Throw Trauma From The Train

We have a bad habit of only focusing on the scars we see, denying that the unseen even exists. It makes them far more dangerous.

I find it a shame when parents think there is something shameful about accepting or asking for advice when it comes to raising children. I mean...it isn't like children come with a manual. There are the basic, common sense rules; feed them, don't break thier bones, send them to school. Believe it or not, even those are lost on some people. I digress. I don't think asking for or accepting input from others makes you a bad parent...I think it makes you a smart parent. Part of it is ego. Part of it is guilt because they fear they ARE doing something wrong. Ever hear someone say "It's my kid and I don't need no one telling me how to raise them?"
Listening to advice, doesn't mean you have to take it!

So, with all that said. Here is what I've learned recently. A few days ago I attended a two-day meeting/training event in Nowhere, Oklahoma. The last day of training we covered trauma. It was a wonderful training and a highlight of the day.
Let me explain something, I am not one of those "throw medicine at it", "pay a psychiatrists a ton of money" fanatics. Everything is an individual problem, which requires an individual solution. This training, however, was a productive look at who we are and how we are shaped as people.
I learned that "Trauma" is defined as any event that is too painful to deal with. It usually results in some sort of change to the thoughts and behaviors of a person.

Beatings as a Form of Punishment...There is a swat on the butt or hand. There is a thrashing with a belt, fly swatter...usually a wild and random swinging of the object hitting whatever it comes in contact with. Finally, there is the sharp slap or punch, leaving a definate bruise.The middle one was/is wildly popular. Let's really look at these.

Lil Brother suffered the most extreme examples of physical abuse (read his recent blog). Most of us realize this is TOO far and unacceptable. My brother getting kicked in his head by our grandmother was the event that was too painful. The change was to his body and mind, causing him to studder. It also affects how he treats his children, how he views and interacts with women...and so on. If you leave bruises on your child, cause bleeding, or break thier bones...seek help. It's easy to understand why this form of trauma is a problem.

I probably had the middle one. I was hit with belts, sticks, a walking cane, my a-mom's ringed hand...For me, as I look back...this was traumatic. There are several elements to think about; my already sensative nature, how long the ass-whippings went on, and the screaming that accompanied it. Think about the following; As an adult, how do you respond when people scream at you? When they get right in your face? Do your emotions escalate? Now imagine you are threatened not to respond or react in any way or the beatings and screamings will go on longer and harder. If screaming affects you in a negative way, why would it be healthy for a kid who has yet to figure out his way in life.  My a-mother grew up in a culture that thought this was the only way to get a child to do what they wanted. What she actually accomplished was making me nervous to the point of mutilating my fingers/hands, make me insecure about my decision-making abilities, and feel as if my thoughts and feelings weren't valid or important. I attribute my past inability to share my feelings to her way of forbiding me to talk about my feelings.

Now, screaming at your child and telling them what to do, without feeling the need to explain why is common. I think we have all heard of parents who say "Because I said so" and getting angry because the kid won't just do what they say. Seriously? Are you teaching your kid to think things through for themselves or are you teaching them to follow whatever authority figures say? And we wonder why some kids "never learn" as they become adults. It's because they were never really "tought" how to solve problems. I always take an extra minute to explain because the next time a similar issue comes up, I want them to be able to think it through.  Screaming at them for every mistake or for asking questions, only teaches them to try to please you and guess at what will make you "not angry"...It does not teach them to make the right decisions.

Trauma can often lead to a person re-living the moment when they should be responding. For example, my nephews' mother...I am actually respectful of her for holding down a job, going to school, and raising 3 boys pretty much on her own for many years. I couldn't do it. So my next comment is not an insult...just a fact. She makes me nervous. Why? Because she tends to scream alot. When she does, it sends me back to my childhood where my mother screamed night and day, leaving me exhausted and a jittery mess...afraid of everything. Therefore, my mind goes blank sometimes when my sister-in-law is having rounds with the boys.

Now, don't get me wrong. No way you can raise children without raising your voice. I'm not stupid. Like everything, though...there IS a limit. My mom just strictly responded out of frustration, but it traumatized me...not strictly because of what she did, but also because of who I was. An overly sensative kid removed from his birth mother.

Name calling can be traumatizing too. Ask my brothers about being called "niggers". Hell, ask me about being called stupid when I tried so hard to please my a-mom. You keep calling someone a certain name, subconciously it is going to affect them. For instance, there was a young man I was a caretaker for. He had been told by his family (and by the justice system) that he was a sex offender because at the age of like 8 or 10, he got curious about his sister. Instead of just saying "that's wrong, don't do it again" they labled him. For the next 8-10 years that was all he heard..."sex offender". He got to where he would not go around other people's children and did not want to have kids of his own because he had been labled this ugly word over a one-time incident.

Depriving a child of food, affection, clothes...can also cause trauma. Scott had food in the house and was not allowed to eat it. I went through the same thing as a teenager. It altered how we both eat as adults. For me, it became unhealthy eating habits of starving myself, gorging...maybe contributed to my hypoglycemia (though i'm only guessing). Joseph was deprived of affection and protection from his dad. Now, he sometimes has trouble "going there" with his emotions.

In relation to everything we are sharing with you, our readers, our traumatic events were caused by the people that our simple minds percieved to be the ones to protect us and provide us with all our needs. It's like having a killer after you. Going to the police, and having the police try to kill you. It's a mind f*ck of never believing that anyone has really got your back.

Truth is...the black and blue heals. The wounds dry up. Yet, the chemical changes to our brains are a bitch to try to undo as an adult. I'm learning more and more about what my brothers went through and one day all I could say was "It's too much. It was too much." over and over. The adults in our lives expected too much from us.

I can't blame my parents or adult relatives. They did the best they knew how to do. Psychology was even more laughed at when I was little. Things like psychological trauma were just "made up" according to the culture I grew up in. But Scott and Joseph; no, the adults in their lives...thier family and what they did and didn't do...It was beyond awful.

My 10+ years of working with, for, and around children has tought me more than I could have ever dreamt about my childhood and understanding children. The most complex thing though...is learning that the ones that cause trauma are usually traumatizing themselves in the process.

If I were going to wrap this blog up and describe its point; I would say...You're going to get angry with your children. But make sure that your love is always present and comes first, even when you're not happy with them. (I got in the habit of saying things to my nephs, like "I love you, but if you don't stop arguing I'm turning the game off") Spend as much time rewarding good behavior, as you do punishing bad behavior. And make sure you aren't punishing to make yourself feel better, isntead of doing it to teach a lesson. Finally, don't be too proud to ask for help. Sometimes we are too close to a problem to see the solution.