You can love without being around. Sometimes it is best.
I have and will continue to tell you experiences, thoughts, and memories of my two brothers. This paints the illusion that I grew up without a brother...well, for the most part, I might as well have. But there was another member of the Sneed household. His name was Willie and for legal purposes, he was my brother.
I have ZERO good memories about Willie. He was quite a bit older than me. He left home while I was rather young and soon joined the navy.
My childhood with him consisted of broken promises and lousy outtings. It became a running joke between my cousins and I about Willie's promises. He promised to take me places on a regular basis. I can probably count on one hand how many times he came through. His absence and his disregard for spending time with me was not the worst thing. It wasn't even his inappropriate sexual encounters with his girlfriend of the month.
You see, I left home quickly. If you've ready any of my other post, you'll know that "running" is an understatement. Still over the last 15 years or so, I have managed to stop in at home 3 or 4 times. Once, I stopped in at my grandmother's house. Willie was there. I was trying to talk about a few things that bothered me. He asked me if I needed any money. Lord knows I did, but at the time I was more concerned about my mental state and my future.
I don't think I answered him. He asked again. I said "sure." He gives me $20-$30, followed by "I really don't have it to give." I gave it back to him and said "I don't need it." My grandmother (and if I'm not mistaken, my aunt) started giving me a hard time for not taking it. I pointed out how Willie always makes a production out of his "generous" nature and left.
This became Willie's schtick. He always gave and offered, but EVERYONE was aware. It wasn't that I was embarassed to take help. I just hate show-boating jack-asses. Offer money in front of others, complain about how "little" he has (though he was supporting several children, own several vehicles, building homes, taking trips), and await praise from others.
Once, my mom (Mrs Sneed) sent me to stay with Willie and his girlfriend. She had a daughter who was about 10 or so; a fat brat who ran amuck. They all wanted me to watch her while they were at work. This girl wreaked havok; screaming, setting things on fire, kicking the door. I had no clue what to do with her. The girl friend blamed me for not being able to control her, though I was only a few years older than her. Willie sided with her without even really listening to me. I hated it.
As much as Willie offered me, he never really "gave" me anything of value. He has continued to lie, be stingy, and selfish. Everytime I gave him the benefit of the doubt, he showed me that my forgiveness was misdirected. He has proven that he will never change.
Perhaps that is why I was so desperate to have a specific relationship with Joseph and Scott. Maybe I thought they would replace the broken piece of the family I was placed in.
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