Is This Yours?

You hug a friend, then you're a good friend. You hug a stranger, then you're a good person.

As we've covered, my brother and I were left with strangers. There was really no connection. My a-parents (adopted) were recommended to my b-mom (bio-mom) by a friend. Truth be told, a small part of me felt that dis-connect. In addition, I had a much lighter skin tone than everyone else in my family. They were obviously black. I was like a vanilla mocha drink (my friend once called me "Buttered Toast"). You'd think I would question the skin discrepencey, but I assumed it was a genetic fluke or something.
Now, also because my a-parents feared my bio-family kidnapping me and an escaped killer on the loose, I was not allowed out of her sight very often. I was rarely let outside to play in the front yard alone. I eventually quit asking. No friends from school ever came over while she was alive (I was scared and embarrassed of her screaming at me in front of them or putting me down). I never spent the night with anyone other than adopted family. If I did go outside, I had to come in every 10 minutes to let her know I was okay. This is no exaggeration.
My family did not talk about sex...at all...ever. Anything related to sex was not only taboo, but the consequences for saying anything or looking at anything sexual was a good whipping. There were one or two occassions where my a-parents asked about me having a girlfriend, but there was never any discussion.
I was a weird, awkward, and socially inexperienced child who turned into a weird, awkward, and socially inexperienced teen, with no guide for human interaction other than television.
At school, I was picked on, made fun of, and bullied. Once a kid asked me, laughing the entire time, "What's wrong with you? Did your dad molest you or something?"  I was stunned. I think THAT was the moment I began to learn the extent of other people's cruelty.
I went through a brief stage of bullying, but mostly I was a punching bag for almost everyone in my life. At home, my female cousin bossed me around, when my mom wasn't. My adopted grandmother treated me different than her other grandchildren.
For example, she had a candy shop in her house. All the people in the neighborhood would come and buy candy, soda, chips, pickles. On the weekends, for several years, they even took orders for hamburgers. Well, my cousins would freely take things from the store. When I asked, I had to pay for it. Years later, I would theorize that she was racist and treated me different because she knew I was part white. This was re-enforced by her standard first question when someone shared a story about a person she didn't know; "What color was he/she?"
No matter where I was, I fell short.
When Joe found me and I became acquainted with my bio-family, I felt more disconnected from the family I grew up with and had not connected with my long lost family. I fled Texas.
In essence, I think caused me to become a high-maintanence individual. I don't need material things at all, but it takes a lot for me to feel wanted by people. I often made up ulterior motives for why people invited me somewhere or called me. I think people love me. It's just hard to form the ties that make me feel that they wanted me around.
On the flip side, I have spent SO much time alone in my life that I...well....Let me put it this way; you know how cats can be very affectionate and loving, but once you give them too much loving they either run away from you and hide under the furniture or scratch you?  Yeah, that's how I am.
Age is a wonderful thing though. Your insecurities may still be there, but you get to tired to dwell on them. You have less energy to devote to paranoia. I can't wait until I reach the age where I'm sitting in a nursing home, throwing my food, walking around pantless, and basically losing all ability to care what other people think.