How long do you have fruitless dreams? How many disappointments do you endure? I suppose as many as you live to see.
From the moment I was forming my own thoughts, I never doubted there was a God. As my life was riddled with misfortune and every endeavor shredded to pieces, I sought a higher power to get me through.
Every Sunday without fail, you would find me at church growing up. It was a small church in a small town; majority black folk...Methodist. If you read the central core story of this blog, you know that it was within walking distance. There was another church down the street, but people spoke ill of it especially after the pastor put speakers outside that spewed his words that everyone not attending his church was going to hell.
Of course, being a child I grew bored quickly with the main sermon delivered at my church. I did enjoy the music and passing notes with my cousins. I loved church. I loved the building. I loved the routine. This began to change the year of my a-mom's funeral. As I cried and suffered, I still "called on the Lord". I had no one to turn to. My a-family did not excel in talking through issues with their children. My Aunt Pam came the closest, but even then...
Nope. Often, it was just me and God. In fact, the times I've tried to commit suicide, I looked forward to meeting the divine entity that controlled existence.
I left Texas and once I settled in Tulsa, I tried to attend a few churches. I kept my interest in men to myself because I was/am a private person (and a little bit of fear of reaction). I made a really "good friend" through work, who invited me to attend her church. I think they were called "Rema" or something like that. She was as sweet as she could be, until she found out that I dated men. Then she ditched me.
My attitude towards "Christians" continued to dwindle. I had every confidence in what a Christian was supposed to be, but had a difficult time finding anyone that supported my belief. I never gave up on God, though. For 15 years, I visited churches that were warm as ice sculptures. I was terribly shy, but figured church would be the one place where people would embrace you...especially as a new comer. What a disappointment. Yet then, I knew that these churches were off base and that God was right even if the churches were not.
I prayed for my family, even when I wasn't talking to them. I prayed for my future, for guidance. It didn't matter what environment I lived in, who I was with, or what I was going through. I was introduced to that famous phrase though; "God always answers prayers. It's just that sometimes the answer is no."
For some reason, around 2009, I felt myself weaken. I just grew tired of "keeping the faith" and "meeting heartache after heartache". When I prayed, God's answer always seemed to be "no". Then, I was told I wasn't praying "correctly". I have been told I'm going to hell no matter what I do. People have spent years vomiting the same cop out response that everything happens for a reason. The more I heard "Christians" talk about God, the more skeptical I became. It all just seemed like they had an answer for everything (whether it made sense or not).
What I came to believe is that IF God is real, he can't be pulling strings in our life to make "something happen for a reason" because we are all given free will. If we have free will, then he wouldn't be doing anything to influence us, right? That's just an example of where my thinking was going.
Now, don't get me wrong...I think everyone is entitled to believe what they want. As I once wrote in one of my movie scripts "We all are on different journeys, trying to reach the same destination." (or something like that). I think it is better to believe in something if it gets you through life, brings you comfort, and isn't hurting anyone else.
My point in all this is that life has been cruel to me. I have also been very lucky. In each moment, I believed in God, with all of my heart and Jesus was my only constant friend. Yet, the more I sought him in churches and rubbed elbows with the "righteous", the weaker the thread between me and HIM became. Well, except for one church...
It was/is an unusual church that promoted itself as an open door church that was for those who felt as if they didn't fit in at other churches. I was in awe the first time I attended a service there. They put on a little mini-southern rock-style concert (which was heaven) including smoke and light show, followed by a passionate and seemingly genuine service that was displayed on a big projector. The people were simple, worked hard, and didn't judge or ask. We were only there for the Lord.
I left that church too...for many reasons. In the end, I saw changes taking place that removed what I had found so endearing. People that I had grown to really care for were leaving and I have an uncanny ability to assess people. I can meet them once and get an inner "green" or "red light" for what kind of character they are. The congregation as a whole are wonderful people, but between the changes it was going through, changes I was going through (including a 10 year relationship that ended supposedly over God)...I could not return.
Where am I now? Nowhere. I sought God for 30 years, working hard to have a relationship...to now be left with something of an empty heart. Make no mistake. I hope he is real. I hope that the void will close and I'll find the kind of nirvana that I've only experienced once or twice in a few years.
If you believe in God, I would like to recommend that you sincerely think about Him and embrace whatever good you feel in your spirituality. If you don't believe in God, don't pick on or ridicule those that do...no matter how you feel they treat others. It isn't your place to convince them of anything. Like every group, there are good and bad members. Plus, you didn't make the hypocritical ones assholes, and you most likely won't change them.
Good night.
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