People are slaves to thier own minds; a story of social anxiety
Everyone envisioned me to be a weak person as a kid. In some ways, they were true. I was a baby when left with strangers. Most people don't give psychology enough credit to realize that baby's are influenced by EVERYTHING. So, I was left with strangers...loving strangers, but I did not recognize them.
I grew up in a small town, made smaller by the fact my adopted mother (a-mom) didn't allow me out of her sight. I rarely went outside, usually just to get to school or whereever my parents were taking me. No sleepovers, no field trips, etc. My parents feared me being kidnapped/killed. I was raised in protection.
So, for 14 or 15 years, too say I was "sheltered" would be a severe understatement. I was the "boy in the social bubble". The experiences I needed to function in the world were just out of reach.
This made me awkward around people, which further alienated me from everyone. When my a-mom died, I only had the "courage" to leave home because I was numb from all the shit that had been laid in my lap.
Still, where ever I called home was my "safe sanctuary" and rarely did I leave it out of fear that I would be killed, harassed, or be rejected.
It seemed that the few times I strayed too far away from home base something terrible happened. One of the last incidents involved my little brother, Scott. This is hard to talk about because he and I have moved pass this ordeal, but the struggles I have had with Scott and Joe in an effort to be brothers is what a lot of this is all about.
If you read my post about the first time I saw Scott, you'll know I cherished him. Shy and scared of people as I was, I would have protected him with my life. So, when Scott called and said that he wasn't doing well and needed help getting his life/mind in order I went to him. There was little discussion.
I quit my job with the city, said goodbye to my friends, and headed north to lands uknown. It was a BORING drive, unless you like different altitudes of empty fields. I was terrified. The comforts of home and my job were in my rearview mirror. Scott being on the other end of my 12 hour drive was the only thing that made going outside my box bearable.
So, I get to Minnesota and immediately start trying to learn the environment (where food was, what jobs were available, and learning Scott's daily life). The first lesson I learned was that Scott would rarely be found at home. He was always working. His few moments of freedom were mostly spent with a new girlfriend. I assumed that in time, he would make time for us to discuss a plan to get his life back on track. Only a few weeks in MN, and I get a phone call from a friend, Ed. My adopted father (a-father) has passed away. I didn't have any money or a job, but Willie (in true fashion, if you've read my entry regarding him) "offered" to buy me a plane ticket.
After several days of preparation, crying, reuniting, and the funeral, I returned to MN.
Here I am in a new place with no friends and Scott my only lifeline. My a-father has died just weeks before Christmas. Between the time I came back and Christmas, I saw Scott once...the day he picked me up from the airport. He offered for me to spend Christmas with him and his girlfriend, but I was still grieving. Keep in mind that I had already lost my a-mom on Christmas morning in high school. Going to a stranger's house to "celebrate" was just a disaster. I wanted Scott to come back to his home Christmas, but I spent it alone. We made plans to go the movies, but he backed out. I was starting to get angry.
I had moved across the country, lost my a-father, and was without a job. Yet, I never saw Scott. And other than offereing money, he really was never there. Scott eventually stopped coming to the apartment altogether, because he was basically living at his new girlfriend's.
Things got so bad that he let the electricity get shut off. That's right. He was living with his girlfiend and I was in the dark. I became furious with him. I wanted to have it out with him, but he blew off every effort I made to meet with him.
One day, he sends me an email to inform me that I need to look for another place because he is was not going to continue paying on it. He was moving in with his girlfriend. I was in disbelief. I moved to help him but he was so pre-occupied with his girlfriend that he couldn't help his brother. I felt abandoned.
I eventually found a new place. However, I became so scared and depressed that I began to contimplate suicide. I worked and laid on my bed. That was all I ever did. Scott called me once or twice but I hated him. He managed to sting 3 or 4 of my mental issues; abandonment, depression, trust.
My point in this story is not bash Scott. I understand him and we have resolved our problems. My point is that Scott confirmed what I believed. If I leave house, something bad will happen.
It was not easy to overcome the curse of social anxiety that was ruining my chance for survival. Next blog, I will explain the things that I think helped me manage the disorder.
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