Locked up Abroad

 I have these memories of being a child and I pray that it never happen to me or any other child in the world. You know people find the things we say sad and what not. I think I have been mentally screwed for life and will never be the same. I know I could never do the same to my kids or anyones elses kids what I have been through. I think the thought of doing it would tramatize me to a melt down. Just sitting here talking about it kills me inside but brings me closer to a realization that hey this shit actually happen to you. It scares the child that is still inside me till this day. I look at myself and see that frighten little boy who wet the bed from terror and studdord so bad he was so scared to talk because people made fun of him. You know its not only my grandmother who tortured me it was everyone who ever made fun of me when I was a child. They never realized that I was fucked up as a child.


You know for me when life gets hard I like to open that little closet and shove shit in there and shut the door. Shit for me that routine worked for years and years. I just would run and hide from all my issues including talking about my past. Most of my stories I would tell I can not due to the fact I just dont remember.


I want to talk about suicide. In all my years of drama and abuse I have never thought about suicide until January of this year. I wanted to do something stupid to myself and was really close to doing something but never did. You know this lifestyle I was raised in did take a toll on me and choices I have made in my life. Life is tough when you really have no one who cares for you when you are down. I dont look for no sympathy from anyone I just am telling you phases in my life so please do not think Im crazy or need some help.


 I remember this one time I was locked in my room for the summer. There was a pad locked placed on my door so I would never come out when she stepped out. HAHA I remember only being allowed to eat once a day back then. I remember when I could sneak out I would grab anything I could to try and make bombs or what ever invention I could make.You know right before I was locked up I had to do the most craziest thing and that was take all and I mean ALL my toys out to the trash and throw them in the trash. When I came in the house I was oput under pad and key. Prison I have been to prison at a young age. I was thrown in the hole as they say in prison. I was disturbed young kid with no friends no mom, dad, no brothers no family. WHY? I can never answer that question. Was it cause I am black? Was she mad at my Mom?

You know I was asked one time what is love to you Scott? Love to me is what you would never do to someone who you care about.